"I -" Oh. He likes... Casper. That's. Um. Well. He can't really blush much more than he already is so it's - it's fine and... he's so bad at this. "No, no, it's... it's fine. I - I like you too." Totally in a normal way. Yep. Absolutely normal person Casper LeBlanc Junior here. "I... I think I get what you're saying. I just... um."
He realizes he hasn't been breathing much and tries to do so normally. It's... only partially successful. "You're a good person. ... Even if you don't think so. I... I don't know what to do with... this. With myself. I'm just... I'm trying? I don't - people don't like me. It just doesn't happen. But you're not lying." He can tell that at least Shang Qinghua thinks that he's not lying, so... "I don't... I don't know. It's... um. ... Kind of scary." And as much as he wants to ask to be held, that's not really appropriate at the moment.
"I just... I don't care about like... being 'manly' or whatever it's just that I'm so used to being forced to be stoic or pleasant. Complex emotions are... aren't something I've been encouraged to feel. But like..." He feels bad bringing this up, but... "But you've died, too. You know how scared you are in those last moments before everything closes in. When everything goes numb and you're just... trying to feel anything and wishing you could ever feel something again." His mouth twitches and he tries to keep tears back. They're not going to help at the moment. "I... after I came back I vowed to become stronger. I started training. I shut out feeling anything that I didn't think was helpful. ... I basically killed my own emotions despite knowing how much I wanted to feel them."
"So... so now I'm not... I don't know what to do with them. How to feel. What to feel. I'm... I'm just a piece on the game board for too many people. I just want to do the right thing, but it's... hard when I'm not sure that the people jerking me around are good people."
They're not. And yet... he can't bring himself to hate his family despite a whole mountain of evidence that he should. He's supposed to care about them. He has to. ... Right?
no subject
He realizes he hasn't been breathing much and tries to do so normally. It's... only partially successful. "You're a good person. ... Even if you don't think so. I... I don't know what to do with... this. With myself. I'm just... I'm trying? I don't - people don't like me. It just doesn't happen. But you're not lying." He can tell that at least Shang Qinghua thinks that he's not lying, so... "I don't... I don't know. It's... um. ... Kind of scary." And as much as he wants to ask to be held, that's not really appropriate at the moment.
"I just... I don't care about like... being 'manly' or whatever it's just that I'm so used to being forced to be stoic or pleasant. Complex emotions are... aren't something I've been encouraged to feel. But like..." He feels bad bringing this up, but... "But you've died, too. You know how scared you are in those last moments before everything closes in. When everything goes numb and you're just... trying to feel anything and wishing you could ever feel something again." His mouth twitches and he tries to keep tears back. They're not going to help at the moment. "I... after I came back I vowed to become stronger. I started training. I shut out feeling anything that I didn't think was helpful. ... I basically killed my own emotions despite knowing how much I wanted to feel them."
"So... so now I'm not... I don't know what to do with them. How to feel. What to feel. I'm... I'm just a piece on the game board for too many people. I just want to do the right thing, but it's... hard when I'm not sure that the people jerking me around are good people."
They're not. And yet... he can't bring himself to hate his family despite a whole mountain of evidence that he should. He's supposed to care about them. He has to. ... Right?