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pluviooc2024-01-23 10:00 am
pluviosamods) wrote in pluviooc2024-01-23 10:00 am
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Test Drive 01
TEST DRIVE
Hello, and welcome to the first Pluviosa Test Drive!
Rather than a series of prompts that are set after arrival to the game, this Test Drive is instead more of a soft open for the game. That is to say, not only are Test Drive threads game canon, but the Test Drive should be regarded as the "start" of the game chronologically and contains arrival-related events and information.
Or lack of information, as the case in fact is, because there is no greeting party waiting to reassure characters that everything is fine back in their worlds and that they'll get to go home again. (On the flip side, there's no one telling them that their worlds have been destroyed, either.) There is only the ship, the things inside it, the raging storm outside, and what characters can figure out for themselves.
It is advised that potential players familiarize themselves with the Premise page, the Rules/Session Zero page, and at least the first few paragraphs of the Setting page. As Pluviosa is a horror game, we especially encourage players to be aware of the content warnings that will be major themes of the game.
(cw: minor blood, visions, storm weather)
The first thing you become aware of is the sound of dripping. Your mind is fogged, as though woken from the wrong part of your sleep cycle. In your daze, you're convinced that the sound of dripping is blood. Yours? Someone else's? You can't be sure. It's dripping from somewhere. It's your fault, whichever it is.
Good. One way or another, you'll be free of this nightmare -
And then, in response to the sound of a crack of thunder outside, clarity returns.
Characters come around as though disturbed from a deep sleep. Once they have shaken off the (vision? impression?) of blood, they will find that the dripping sound, at least, was real. Fortunately, it's only water - rainwater, more than likely, judging from the occasional booms of thunder and flashes of lightning overhead. One hell of a storm, quite possibly the worst characters have ever experienced, is raging outside.
Outside where? Well, outside the ship, of course.
As a general rule, characters wake up in a random room of the first level of the ship below the main decks. Theoretically, this should be a relatively safe, dry place - but with the age of the ship, its state of disrepair, and the number of plants above that have dug their roots into the deck above, leaks are plentiful. Thus, the sound of dripping water is a constant even in enclosed areas - and, of course, the outside of the ship is being pounded by rain in shimmering sheets, adding to the cacophony of noise accented by the thunder.
Even the protective bubble over the deck itself and the balconies of the rooms is having trouble working to keep the rain out - the rain isn't terrifying hurricane levels, but it is steady and water floods steadily down the stairs and over the edges of the gap down the center of the ship. The worst of the wind, too, has been kept out, but occasional gusts send ripples through the rain.
There is no power inside the ship right now and barely any light besides the flash of lightning - although characters may arrive while it is nominally day, the clouds stretching from horizon to horizon have blocked out the sun almost completely. The motion of the ship is also far worse than usual due to the storm winds - it's easy to believe that you are in fact at sea, unless you manage to get close enough to the exterior windows or balconies to be able to see the ship's legs in motion through the cascade of water that runs down the exterior.
(cw: hallucinations, thinking things that are real are hallucinations)
In the dark, you have to rely on your other senses - hearing, sound, smell. Smell is giving you the best information to start out with - rain, of course, but also mildew, plants, and old metal. (Is that a whiff of blood at the bottom? No, it's because of that bad dream you had messing with your head.)
No one comes to greet you. No one comes to find you. Instinctively, you know - no one is coming. You'll have to save yourself.
Characters will be fully convinced that they are alone until they actually run into another character. Even things that seem like they should be indicative of another person's presence, such as hearing voices or seeing someone shine a light down a hallway - your character will be convinced that that is just a hallucination until they can definitely lay eyes on another person, hear their voice clearly (ie: not half-drowned-out by the rain) or otherwise be certain of their presence.
That isn't to say that hallucinations aren't occurring. All characters, but especially those who are alone, will periodically hear murmuring voices, smell blood, smoke, and other scents reminiscent of destruction, and see what appear to be the flashes of flashlights, flickering lightbulbs, and the shadows of people walking around. These hallucinations fade in and out in intensity, but they always clear up for at least a little while when a character notices the sound of thunder. Given that the thunder is very frequent during the storm (every few minutes), most hallucinations won't last for long.
For most characters, the voices will be unintelligible murmurs. However, if your character has experienced an event of mass destruction at some point in their life (apocalypse or near-apocalypse, destruction of a city, volcano eruption, being the only survivor of a town that was slaughtered, etc), or has a connection to the dead, they will be able to pick out that the voices of the hallucinations are talking about either attempting to rescue people from something similar (eg: a distant voice shouting "there's someone still alive over here!") or, alternately, talking about how everything is lost, everyone is doomed now, etc. They may hear one type of voice or both at different times, at player discretion.
(cw: dead loved ones, hallucinations/delusions, violence, potential death. THIS PROMPT CONTAINS PVP OPTIONS.)
You're not supposed to be alone. There was someone with you, only a few hours or years or minutes or lifetimes ago. You weren't always alone, and you have to find them.
You'll find them. You do. But not in any kind of condition to keep you company. This lump of flesh is empty now. The plants are already growing over it, reclaiming it. There's blood in the soil, and there's the sound of someone else coming up behind you.
Someone is coming. You'll have to save yourself.
There are various heaps of organic debris that characters can stumble across when wandering around in the dark - piled up leaves, rotted plants, heaps of ferns, moss, and so on. Even solid wood, sometimes - the trunks of small, twisted trees that took root where they might and have grown out from balconies to the exterior or inwards down the jungled crevasse between the two halves of the ship. In the low light, it's easy to literally stumble across them, or mistake them for something else in the brief light of a flash of lightning.
It's the mistaking them for something else that could be a problem. Characters may find themselves absolutely convinced that these heaps of leaves are the body of a loved one - especially if they were wandering around looking for someone in particular. They may or may not accurately perceive leaf cover on the outside of the "body," but unless they dig their hands in enough to be sure of the heap's contents - but who would want to go digging their hands into the body of someone they love? - or they see the shape in clear lighting (which would have to be provided by another character), it will be near impossible to convince them that the pile is just that, and not a corpse.
But that's not the really dangerous part. The dangerous part of all this is that if someone unexpected approaches while the character is in the same room as the 'body,' they may become convinced that the new arrival is responsible for their loved one's death. It doesn't matter how illogical it is on the surface - fear, or rage, or whatever it is that might fuel them will turn on the stranger. And whatever it is that convinces them of this has also turned their fight-or-flight reflex solidly to fight, whether it's for revenge or the last chance at survival for a cornered rat.
Characters so affected will fight until one of the following occurs: If they are led out of sight of the 'body,' they return to their senses (given that they may be inclined to chase the 'perpetrator,' this may be the best non-violent way to resolve the issue). If they are convinced that the 'body' is fake (through physical contact or clear lighting as above), they also return to their senses. And finally, if they kill the 'perpetrator' or are themselves killed or knocked unconscious, the effect ends. In all of these cases, it ends with the sharpness of a rubber band snapped against the skin, and the character is fully aware of their altered mental state and what occurred as a result.
If your character dies as a result of this prompt (and you want that thread to be game canon), please give the mods a heads-up if/when you are accepted into the game. Although this will not count as an 'official' death and will not consume a character's "freebie" revival, there may still be consequences for your character's death.
(cw: worms. many worms. not parasitic. just worms.)
It's easy to take a wrong step in the dark. Of course, tripping and falling isn't the worst thing that can happen.
This isn't the worst thing that could happen, either. That doesn't make it any better in the moment - the split-second when the ground erupts and a writhing mass of something slimy doesn't so much crawl out as jump out - but maybe it will make it better later.
You know how worms come writhing up out of the ground during a rainstorm, when the soil is absolutely saturated?
Well, that's true of the soil on the ship as well, except the worms here aren't just common earthworms anymore. They've learned to climb, the slime that they use to wriggle through the soil modified such that they can cause it to turn sticky and squelch their way up walls, ceilings - and anyone they happen to come across. If you step in the wrong place, an entire cluster of them will respond, by clinging to your clothes and body, squirming upwards in a desperate bid to escape the wet soil and the continuous rivulets of water caused by the storm.
Or perhaps you sat down to rest somewhere and felt them creeping - or didn't, until there was suddenly something wet and cold on your bare skin. Or maybe you encountered the worms not through their climbing, but afterwards, when they drop off the ceiling and fall down on your head as the enzyme that renders their slime sticky wears out. However it happens... worms.
Fortunately, they're harmless - aside from being a bit larger than the earthworms a character is likely to be familiar with, and their strange ability to become sticky, these are largely indistinguishable from normal earthworms. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell that in the dark and the wet - this is their native environment, not yours, and anyone would panic at the sensation of worms trying to crawl up them or into dry places in their clothes.
There is an easy solution to this: Because the worms are fleeing the rain in the soil, they won't climb up anything that's just as wet as the dirt they left behind. All a character has to do to become worm-free is get thoroughly soaked, such as by stepping out into the reduced-but-still-pouring rain on a balcony or deck protected by the ship's bubbles. Unfortunately.... Well, then they're wet. And there doesn't seem to be anywhere to dry off any time soon...
For information on the general shape and state of the ship, please see the setting page. Please note that mods will not be running investigations during the test drive period.
Q: Do our characters still have their powers/items?
Generally speaking, yes. Characters have their powers intact (with certain exceptions, largely for potential-gamebreak reasons) and whatever items they were carrying at their canonpoints. Please see the FAQ for more details.
Q: My character is dead and/or dying at their canonpoint!
Well... Now they aren't. Specifically, dead characters come back as their most recent 'healthy' state of being (unless they're a type of character that is playable while dead, such as a vampire or a Bleach shinigami, in which case they continue as normal for them); they also arrive already soaked through by the rain, regardless of the location they wake up. Characters who are mortally injured find that their wounds have healed; in place of whatever blood was soaking through their clothes/dripping from their bodies/in their mouth from a Cough of Death, they instead find pure water.
Q: Can my character(s) explore the ship?
Your characters are welcome to explore as much as they're willing and capable of doing in the wet and the rain! However, getting between floors is a challenge in the current weather - with the power off, the elevators do not work, and the stairs are consistently flooded by a cascade of rainwater. However, mods will not be running any official, guided explorations until after game opening.
Q: Is there anywhere dry to rest?
Nowhere is completely dry, but the aft portion of the ship is significantly drier than the middle and fore. The reason for this is that there is a series of partial decks (the residential decks) over roughly the last third of the ship. The rain is fully blocked by the roof overhead, in theory, but in practice the wind and the flooding leave this space only sort of dry. It's possible to find your way here on your own and find some place to sleep that doesn't blow mold spores into your face when you sit down, but it's also darker here, since the lightning's light is also blocked out by the roof.
Q: BATHROOMS?
Unfortunately, the lack of water in the pipes means that the toilets (which can be found relatively intact in most suites, though many are full of standing water) are also not running. Characters get to deal with this issue as they see fit, whether that's using the dilapidated toilets or using a more fertilizer-like strategy.
Q: Is there anything from the game's main info pages that doesn't apply to this Test Drive?
Given that the power is currently off, the Ship (as in the entity) cannot be interacted with on the Test Drive (and characters have no reason to think it's there). Anything else that would require power, such as the elevators or water from the faucets, also does not work.
Q: How long does the storm last?
ICly, it begins to lighten up on the evening of the second day after the first characters wake up, though it is still raining steadily with occasional thunder throughout that night. (Characters will continue to trickle in throughout the duration of the storm, though most arrive before the end of the first day.) The characters will be able to see the sun starting on the third morning - which is also planned to be the game's formal opening, so we won't say more until then!
Q: Do our characters receive anything upon arrival?
Not a thing! Nor do they encounter any kind of informational NPC or anything that gives them a solid idea what's going on. The only exception to this is that all characters experience the dripping-blood related vision/dream/impression detailed in the first prompt of the Test Drive. Additionally, characters who have a unique tie to their world (such as Aerith's connection to the Lifestream in FFVII) will be aware that they're not in their own world anymore.
Q: What are our characters eating?
Since the power hasn't come on yet... Whatever they're adventurous and/or knowledgeable enough to find that doesn't kill them! This can include edible plants and limited amounts of things brought from home (please don't have your character bring 99 casseroles even if your game's inventory system allows it), but mods are not tracking this specifically. Most characters will be expected to be hungry and unhappy but not literally starving come game open. At least there's plenty of water.
Q: I have some specific question I need to ask about my specific character on the test drive!
Please post your question in response to the header comment QUESTIONS below!
Rather than a series of prompts that are set after arrival to the game, this Test Drive is instead more of a soft open for the game. That is to say, not only are Test Drive threads game canon, but the Test Drive should be regarded as the "start" of the game chronologically and contains arrival-related events and information.
Or lack of information, as the case in fact is, because there is no greeting party waiting to reassure characters that everything is fine back in their worlds and that they'll get to go home again. (On the flip side, there's no one telling them that their worlds have been destroyed, either.) There is only the ship, the things inside it, the raging storm outside, and what characters can figure out for themselves.
It is advised that potential players familiarize themselves with the Premise page, the Rules/Session Zero page, and at least the first few paragraphs of the Setting page. As Pluviosa is a horror game, we especially encourage players to be aware of the content warnings that will be major themes of the game.
ARRIVAL
(cw: minor blood, visions, storm weather)
The first thing you become aware of is the sound of dripping. Your mind is fogged, as though woken from the wrong part of your sleep cycle. In your daze, you're convinced that the sound of dripping is blood. Yours? Someone else's? You can't be sure. It's dripping from somewhere. It's your fault, whichever it is.
Good. One way or another, you'll be free of this nightmare -
And then, in response to the sound of a crack of thunder outside, clarity returns.
Characters come around as though disturbed from a deep sleep. Once they have shaken off the (vision? impression?) of blood, they will find that the dripping sound, at least, was real. Fortunately, it's only water - rainwater, more than likely, judging from the occasional booms of thunder and flashes of lightning overhead. One hell of a storm, quite possibly the worst characters have ever experienced, is raging outside.
Outside where? Well, outside the ship, of course.
As a general rule, characters wake up in a random room of the first level of the ship below the main decks. Theoretically, this should be a relatively safe, dry place - but with the age of the ship, its state of disrepair, and the number of plants above that have dug their roots into the deck above, leaks are plentiful. Thus, the sound of dripping water is a constant even in enclosed areas - and, of course, the outside of the ship is being pounded by rain in shimmering sheets, adding to the cacophony of noise accented by the thunder.
Even the protective bubble over the deck itself and the balconies of the rooms is having trouble working to keep the rain out - the rain isn't terrifying hurricane levels, but it is steady and water floods steadily down the stairs and over the edges of the gap down the center of the ship. The worst of the wind, too, has been kept out, but occasional gusts send ripples through the rain.
There is no power inside the ship right now and barely any light besides the flash of lightning - although characters may arrive while it is nominally day, the clouds stretching from horizon to horizon have blocked out the sun almost completely. The motion of the ship is also far worse than usual due to the storm winds - it's easy to believe that you are in fact at sea, unless you manage to get close enough to the exterior windows or balconies to be able to see the ship's legs in motion through the cascade of water that runs down the exterior.
SEEING IS BELIEVING
(cw: hallucinations, thinking things that are real are hallucinations)
In the dark, you have to rely on your other senses - hearing, sound, smell. Smell is giving you the best information to start out with - rain, of course, but also mildew, plants, and old metal. (Is that a whiff of blood at the bottom? No, it's because of that bad dream you had messing with your head.)
No one comes to greet you. No one comes to find you. Instinctively, you know - no one is coming. You'll have to save yourself.
Characters will be fully convinced that they are alone until they actually run into another character. Even things that seem like they should be indicative of another person's presence, such as hearing voices or seeing someone shine a light down a hallway - your character will be convinced that that is just a hallucination until they can definitely lay eyes on another person, hear their voice clearly (ie: not half-drowned-out by the rain) or otherwise be certain of their presence.
That isn't to say that hallucinations aren't occurring. All characters, but especially those who are alone, will periodically hear murmuring voices, smell blood, smoke, and other scents reminiscent of destruction, and see what appear to be the flashes of flashlights, flickering lightbulbs, and the shadows of people walking around. These hallucinations fade in and out in intensity, but they always clear up for at least a little while when a character notices the sound of thunder. Given that the thunder is very frequent during the storm (every few minutes), most hallucinations won't last for long.
For most characters, the voices will be unintelligible murmurs. However, if your character has experienced an event of mass destruction at some point in their life (apocalypse or near-apocalypse, destruction of a city, volcano eruption, being the only survivor of a town that was slaughtered, etc), or has a connection to the dead, they will be able to pick out that the voices of the hallucinations are talking about either attempting to rescue people from something similar (eg: a distant voice shouting "there's someone still alive over here!") or, alternately, talking about how everything is lost, everyone is doomed now, etc. They may hear one type of voice or both at different times, at player discretion.
TO RUN ITS COURSE
(cw: dead loved ones, hallucinations/delusions, violence, potential death. THIS PROMPT CONTAINS PVP OPTIONS.)
You're not supposed to be alone. There was someone with you, only a few hours or years or minutes or lifetimes ago. You weren't always alone, and you have to find them.
You'll find them. You do. But not in any kind of condition to keep you company. This lump of flesh is empty now. The plants are already growing over it, reclaiming it. There's blood in the soil, and there's the sound of someone else coming up behind you.
Someone is coming. You'll have to save yourself.
There are various heaps of organic debris that characters can stumble across when wandering around in the dark - piled up leaves, rotted plants, heaps of ferns, moss, and so on. Even solid wood, sometimes - the trunks of small, twisted trees that took root where they might and have grown out from balconies to the exterior or inwards down the jungled crevasse between the two halves of the ship. In the low light, it's easy to literally stumble across them, or mistake them for something else in the brief light of a flash of lightning.
It's the mistaking them for something else that could be a problem. Characters may find themselves absolutely convinced that these heaps of leaves are the body of a loved one - especially if they were wandering around looking for someone in particular. They may or may not accurately perceive leaf cover on the outside of the "body," but unless they dig their hands in enough to be sure of the heap's contents - but who would want to go digging their hands into the body of someone they love? - or they see the shape in clear lighting (which would have to be provided by another character), it will be near impossible to convince them that the pile is just that, and not a corpse.
But that's not the really dangerous part. The dangerous part of all this is that if someone unexpected approaches while the character is in the same room as the 'body,' they may become convinced that the new arrival is responsible for their loved one's death. It doesn't matter how illogical it is on the surface - fear, or rage, or whatever it is that might fuel them will turn on the stranger. And whatever it is that convinces them of this has also turned their fight-or-flight reflex solidly to fight, whether it's for revenge or the last chance at survival for a cornered rat.
Characters so affected will fight until one of the following occurs: If they are led out of sight of the 'body,' they return to their senses (given that they may be inclined to chase the 'perpetrator,' this may be the best non-violent way to resolve the issue). If they are convinced that the 'body' is fake (through physical contact or clear lighting as above), they also return to their senses. And finally, if they kill the 'perpetrator' or are themselves killed or knocked unconscious, the effect ends. In all of these cases, it ends with the sharpness of a rubber band snapped against the skin, and the character is fully aware of their altered mental state and what occurred as a result.
If your character dies as a result of this prompt (and you want that thread to be game canon), please give the mods a heads-up if/when you are accepted into the game. Although this will not count as an 'official' death and will not consume a character's "freebie" revival, there may still be consequences for your character's death.
CONTENTS WORMING
(cw: worms. many worms. not parasitic. just worms.)
It's easy to take a wrong step in the dark. Of course, tripping and falling isn't the worst thing that can happen.
This isn't the worst thing that could happen, either. That doesn't make it any better in the moment - the split-second when the ground erupts and a writhing mass of something slimy doesn't so much crawl out as jump out - but maybe it will make it better later.
You know how worms come writhing up out of the ground during a rainstorm, when the soil is absolutely saturated?
Well, that's true of the soil on the ship as well, except the worms here aren't just common earthworms anymore. They've learned to climb, the slime that they use to wriggle through the soil modified such that they can cause it to turn sticky and squelch their way up walls, ceilings - and anyone they happen to come across. If you step in the wrong place, an entire cluster of them will respond, by clinging to your clothes and body, squirming upwards in a desperate bid to escape the wet soil and the continuous rivulets of water caused by the storm.
Or perhaps you sat down to rest somewhere and felt them creeping - or didn't, until there was suddenly something wet and cold on your bare skin. Or maybe you encountered the worms not through their climbing, but afterwards, when they drop off the ceiling and fall down on your head as the enzyme that renders their slime sticky wears out. However it happens... worms.
Fortunately, they're harmless - aside from being a bit larger than the earthworms a character is likely to be familiar with, and their strange ability to become sticky, these are largely indistinguishable from normal earthworms. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell that in the dark and the wet - this is their native environment, not yours, and anyone would panic at the sensation of worms trying to crawl up them or into dry places in their clothes.
There is an easy solution to this: Because the worms are fleeing the rain in the soil, they won't climb up anything that's just as wet as the dirt they left behind. All a character has to do to become worm-free is get thoroughly soaked, such as by stepping out into the reduced-but-still-pouring rain on a balcony or deck protected by the ship's bubbles. Unfortunately.... Well, then they're wet. And there doesn't seem to be anywhere to dry off any time soon...
FAQ
Q: Do our characters still have their powers/items?
Generally speaking, yes. Characters have their powers intact (with certain exceptions, largely for potential-gamebreak reasons) and whatever items they were carrying at their canonpoints. Please see the FAQ for more details.
Q: My character is dead and/or dying at their canonpoint!
Well... Now they aren't. Specifically, dead characters come back as their most recent 'healthy' state of being (unless they're a type of character that is playable while dead, such as a vampire or a Bleach shinigami, in which case they continue as normal for them); they also arrive already soaked through by the rain, regardless of the location they wake up. Characters who are mortally injured find that their wounds have healed; in place of whatever blood was soaking through their clothes/dripping from their bodies/in their mouth from a Cough of Death, they instead find pure water.
Q: Can my character(s) explore the ship?
Your characters are welcome to explore as much as they're willing and capable of doing in the wet and the rain! However, getting between floors is a challenge in the current weather - with the power off, the elevators do not work, and the stairs are consistently flooded by a cascade of rainwater. However, mods will not be running any official, guided explorations until after game opening.
Q: Is there anywhere dry to rest?
Nowhere is completely dry, but the aft portion of the ship is significantly drier than the middle and fore. The reason for this is that there is a series of partial decks (the residential decks) over roughly the last third of the ship. The rain is fully blocked by the roof overhead, in theory, but in practice the wind and the flooding leave this space only sort of dry. It's possible to find your way here on your own and find some place to sleep that doesn't blow mold spores into your face when you sit down, but it's also darker here, since the lightning's light is also blocked out by the roof.
Q: BATHROOMS?
Unfortunately, the lack of water in the pipes means that the toilets (which can be found relatively intact in most suites, though many are full of standing water) are also not running. Characters get to deal with this issue as they see fit, whether that's using the dilapidated toilets or using a more fertilizer-like strategy.
Q: Is there anything from the game's main info pages that doesn't apply to this Test Drive?
Given that the power is currently off, the Ship (as in the entity) cannot be interacted with on the Test Drive (and characters have no reason to think it's there). Anything else that would require power, such as the elevators or water from the faucets, also does not work.
Q: How long does the storm last?
ICly, it begins to lighten up on the evening of the second day after the first characters wake up, though it is still raining steadily with occasional thunder throughout that night. (Characters will continue to trickle in throughout the duration of the storm, though most arrive before the end of the first day.) The characters will be able to see the sun starting on the third morning - which is also planned to be the game's formal opening, so we won't say more until then!
Q: Do our characters receive anything upon arrival?
Not a thing! Nor do they encounter any kind of informational NPC or anything that gives them a solid idea what's going on. The only exception to this is that all characters experience the dripping-blood related vision/dream/impression detailed in the first prompt of the Test Drive. Additionally, characters who have a unique tie to their world (such as Aerith's connection to the Lifestream in FFVII) will be aware that they're not in their own world anymore.
Q: What are our characters eating?
Since the power hasn't come on yet... Whatever they're adventurous and/or knowledgeable enough to find that doesn't kill them! This can include edible plants and limited amounts of things brought from home (please don't have your character bring 99 casseroles even if your game's inventory system allows it), but mods are not tracking this specifically. Most characters will be expected to be hungry and unhappy but not literally starving come game open. At least there's plenty of water.
Q: I have some specific question I need to ask about my specific character on the test drive!
Please post your question in response to the header comment QUESTIONS below!
no subject
"... Yeah." He isn't going to push the other - he's aware that the older man is likely going to realize he's a pathetic little creature and push him away. But he's going to hold onto this moment too. He needs it - he's pretty desperate for the attention and he knows it. He wants to hold the other for a long time, but he's... it's not right. It's not fair for him to demand this kind of attention. He doesn't deserve it. No matter what people say, he really doesn't. He hasn't done anything good enough to warrant this kind of attention.
His arms drop and he steps back, his face still red and his eyes still wet. "... Sorry. I'm just... I... it's not like I - I mean, I don't know if you have someone who - yeah. S... sorry."
no subject
Casper nuzzles into his neck and Shang Qinghua is, for all his cultivation, only human. The warm animal comfort of it is… goddamn, this must be why people like being in relationships so much. If he was married like Cucumber-bro, maybe he would just spend all his time hanging out alone with his husband all over him. He doesn’t want Luo Binghe all over him—Bingmei still honestly creeps him out, but at least he and Shen-shixiong seem happy?—but someone like Casper… he can see wanting that.
Casper steps back, and Shang Qinghua has just enough presence of mind to not make a truly pathetic noise at the loss. He’s… he doesn’t want to be that kind of pathetic at Casper, weeping and clutching his thighs and debasing himself. He wants Casper to keep thinking he’s sort of a person worthy of respect, even if he’s wrong and Shang Qinghua will always be nothing but a rat. It’s… sort of nice to have something to live up to, instead of down to.
Then Casper starts apologizing, and—fuck. “I— you don’t have to apologize, that was maybe the nicest thing that has ever happened to me, and— please don’t be sorry about it? I, I mean, if you regret— it’s fine if you don’t want— and anyway you’re like young and handsome and heroic and your prospects are like great and I’m a pathetic old man with bad taste in literature and the fantasy equivalent of a degree in accounting— but you’re not, like, impinging on, like, I don’t have— all I’ve ever had is a crush on my favorite character who’s going to kill me one day because I’m very annoying and a scum traitor and— I’m sorry, fuck, I—“ He scrubs at his face, embarrassed of how visibly emotional he definitely is. He’s normally better at not having like, real emotions, only ones that are useful for survival, but the unexpected affection has completely thrown him off, it’s not something he’s at all used to dealing with. “I’m sorry I was all clingy and— like, usually the closest I get to someone touching me is Cucumber-bro hitting me with his fan, I’m sorry I was, I’m being— weird about it. Fuck.”
no subject
He'd been suspicious of Caspian but wanted to hope for the best from their drug-addled thief. And then the whole Incident happened and his whole existence was thrown into even further disarray and he's still not sure what the right thing to do there was but it got him nothing but grief and guilt.
"I don't... get touched. Like my dad wasn't one for physical punishment, just... fear? And so the most touching I got was from ghosts or from Bob -" Yes, the raven had escaped before The Huggening and is just staring down at them. "... And I couldn't even feel the ghosts until recently? Like I could see and hear them but... no touching. And my best non-bird friend was the ghost of a serial killer? So like... I'm kind of a freak. I... I get it if you don't want anything to do with me. It's probably safer that way, given how Fate tends to fuck over anyone within striking range of a Scion. ... And I don't want you to get hurt."
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“Bro if you’re a disaster I am way more of one. You’re like— still figuring yourself out age! I’m like. Way old enough that it’s just. Like I should have my shit sorted by now you would think but I really kind of don’t and I probably never will because I’m stuck being Shang fucking Qinghua! But you— fuck, I just died because I was stupid and clumsy, you— you shouldn’t have been hurt like that, that’s—awful. I—I’ve always known was I was in for, with my king. You— didn’t have warning.” His hands twitch, he wants to reach out again, to ineptly try and comfort, but Casper stepped back, he doesn’t want it.
“You— this probably sounds stupid and patronizing especially coming from me but like— you shouldn’t call yourself a freak, you’re not— different in a bad way, you’re just… special. Good special. I’m sorry you didn’t get to have… better friends, but that doesn’t mean anything bad about you, I don’t think, like, you did your best with the hand you were dealt or whatever?” He huffs a little at the mention of fate. “Fate can fight with my system about which of them is allowed to kill me, I guess. If I’m killed by something other than my king, at least that’s— novel. And I’m not… that fragile. I mean, if you would rather I fuck off and you’re just trying to be nice about it, I can do that, I understand, I wouldn’t want me around either! Just say the word and I’ll go… some other direction!” That actually hurt more to say than when he’s tried to ask Mobei-Jun if he finds him useful, wow. He’ll go if Casper wants, but he really will not enjoy it, and it is probably more obvious on his face than he wants it to be.
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Given his family life it's not surprising. "Please... don't leave. I don't... I don't want to be alone. I can be if you want me to it's just... I'm - fuck, I feel like a disaster. How is it that I can explain to a ghost that they're dead but I can't explain what I'm feeling?" This has turned into a trainwreck and he's not sure how to stop it. "... I just know that I don't want to be alone."
Has he seriously fallen for a cute guy he's only just met? He's not sure. And an older man, too. Gods is he a walking stereotype or something? He feels like it, even if he knows that no, it's just how it is. ... For him, at least. He's been scared before, but this... this is a situation where he is utterly lost. He has no idea how to react or what he should do.
"You're... too nice to me. I get shit on by the universe so I clearly did something wrong. I just... I don't understand how you can be so nice..." Fuck, is he going to start crying again? He doesn't want to cry again, not in front of Shang Qinghua.
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Oh. Self-loathing panic on both sides. Shang Qinghua is… not exactly competent to deal with that, but at least he’s figured out what’s going on. “Maybe the crying is good, then? Not repressing emotions? I don’t know, I— mostly end up using emotions as like, a shield. It’s not like anyone cares about— that’s not the point, I’m not the point. The point is, is that sometimes the universe is just fucking mean to people for no reason? Like, maybe I wasn’t a very good author, but that’s not usually a crime punished by horrible murder! And you were born your mother’s son, right? So it’s not like you did something wrong before you were conceived, unless you subscribe to some kind of reincarnation karma theory, which I don’t, and anyway if your past life did something fuck that guy he’s not you what does it matter, and… I think I lost track of my point. I— I don’t want to be alone, either, and you’re—a good person to not be alone with. I like you.” Oh god, did he just say that out loud with his mouth? “I mean, in a… normal way? I— um. Sorry, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I’m not used to people being nice to me either, and you’re so nice, and you hugged me I haven’t been hugged in decades, and…” Shut up, Airplane. “Sorry, I know I talk too much, I’ll shut up.” Would it be weird to hug him again? It would probably be weird.
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He realizes he hasn't been breathing much and tries to do so normally. It's... only partially successful. "You're a good person. ... Even if you don't think so. I... I don't know what to do with... this. With myself. I'm just... I'm trying? I don't - people don't like me. It just doesn't happen. But you're not lying." He can tell that at least Shang Qinghua thinks that he's not lying, so... "I don't... I don't know. It's... um. ... Kind of scary." And as much as he wants to ask to be held, that's not really appropriate at the moment.
"I just... I don't care about like... being 'manly' or whatever it's just that I'm so used to being forced to be stoic or pleasant. Complex emotions are... aren't something I've been encouraged to feel. But like..." He feels bad bringing this up, but... "But you've died, too. You know how scared you are in those last moments before everything closes in. When everything goes numb and you're just... trying to feel anything and wishing you could ever feel something again." His mouth twitches and he tries to keep tears back. They're not going to help at the moment. "I... after I came back I vowed to become stronger. I started training. I shut out feeling anything that I didn't think was helpful. ... I basically killed my own emotions despite knowing how much I wanted to feel them."
"So... so now I'm not... I don't know what to do with them. How to feel. What to feel. I'm... I'm just a piece on the game board for too many people. I just want to do the right thing, but it's... hard when I'm not sure that the people jerking me around are good people."
They're not. And yet... he can't bring himself to hate his family despite a whole mountain of evidence that he should. He's supposed to care about them. He has to. ... Right?
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Shang Qinghua gives in to the urge to cover his face, and lacking a fan, this just means he sort of plasters his hands over his eyes and burning cheeks. Casper likes him. He’s sure he doesn’t mean like— but god, he— “I’m not sure anyone has ever said they liked me in either of my lives?” His voice squeaks again and yep he’s just out here humiliating himself.
“People liking me doesn’t… happen either. I mean I barely spoke to anyone in my first life and my parents didn’t like me, and now I’m stuck with, being Shang Qinghua, and why would anyone like him, he’s a spy and a traitor and— I can’t afford to have, like, integrity or anything, because I’d just get executed for all my horrible traitor crimes! And it’s not like— I tried to mitigate things at the conference and it made it worse somehow! Fuck, sorry, I’m— talking about myself too much again, I’m—“ He rubs impatiently at his face.
“Dying was horrible. And I thought it would be like, over? Like, it hurt a lot and I knew I’d fucked up and it was my own fault but then at least I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore, and then there’s a mechanical voice in my head giving me orders and I just have to do that forever! It’s on standby right now, I guess it doesn’t have power away from that world, but it could wake up any time, and there goes me being able to like, decide anything!”
“And I’m talking too much about myself again and you don’t deserve to be used as a chess piece you should get to make your own choices and… and I think if you think someone isn’t a good person you’re probably right.” When you decide I’m not a good person, you’ll be right. “You… you shouldn’t have to just dedicate everything to other people. You’re a person too. A good person. I’m sorry, I can’t— say things in a useful way, I just, things just come out of my mouth, I, can I give you a hug again? Maybe I was better at that? If that’s— if you wanted?” He’s still hiding behind his hands, he can’t bear to look at Casper while he asks that. God, he feels like he’s in a high school romance drama, there should be flower petals or something instead of rain and lightning. He’s certainly enough of an immature idiot to play a teenager. Otome did not prepare him for the mortifying ordeal of A Cute Boy Is Nice To Him. He’s not even sure what he wants other than for Casper to not be sad, and for Casper to not leave. It just… feels nice being around him.
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Casper's not sure why he starts walking towards the other but he gently takes the other's face in his hands. "Shh." It's not a 'shut up', it's a 'knock it off, anxiety'. "You're fine. More... more than fine." And he's up close and he's so warm and Casper feels like he's going to cry again. And good gods is this man beautiful. Even if he's stringy and a little weird Casper likes that far better than some perfect being. "It's okay. It's..."
... He trails off for a moment as he looks at what little he can see of the other's eyes through his hands. ... Oh. He... his brain shuts down for a moment. Casper.exe must reboot.
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They have to be. They will be. He'll make sure of it. He's not sure how, but he will. And if anyone tries to hurt the people he's already grown to care about they're going to have a serious problem. Bob squawks and Casper looks up.
"I... I know. We should get moving, we don't know if there's anything here other than people and plants. And worms." He doesn't want to move, though. "... Come on. I'll stick with you until we can find somewhere safe for you to stay." He's not worried about himself getting hurt, just the other.
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The raven startles him out of staring at Casper’s face like an idiot, for which he is almost grateful. And the offer of making sure he’s somewhere safe is… he hates danger, of course he hates danger, his main combat strategy is pretending to faint, but… he sort of wants to be more impressive. He sort of wants Casper to think he’s strong, but also the idea of Casper standing between him and any danger is both reassuring and alarmingly appealing, and…
And Casper was talking to him and he should answer instead of just standing here like an idiot. “I, yeah. We could— see if we can find somewhere dry? I have sealing talismans that could keep the water out of somewhere if there’s a reasonably intact roof, but they won’t do anything for the water that’s already there.” He sort of wants to sulk at the idea that Casper is going to put him somewhere and then leave, but he’s not going to be a clingy weirdo. Even if he is currently holding hands with Casper, and it’s a good thing that he’s already blushing he guesses because thinking about that definitely would have done it. He absolutely understands why people hold hands now, and may be attempting to memorize the callouses of Casper’s palm against his.
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Clearing his throat he holds on tight to the other's hand and starts walking. "This place is probably dangerous and I... uh. I mean I can probably take most things that this place can throw at me, so... I mean I don't think you''re weak or anything! Just... I'm used to being in the line of fire."
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Casper is still holding his hand. They're walking and they're still holding hands. He's holding hands! With someone! Someone he likes! He's not... he feels like Casper actually wants him there, and that's so novel he sort of wants to cry again, but he's trying to be normal!
And Casper is... trying to position himself as a meatshield. Somehow he's less happy about using him as one as he usually is to duck behind Liu Qingge. "I would like you to... not be hurt?" he attempts. In fact he would really like Casper to not be hurt, he's sort of upset by the thought! He would of course tenderly nurse him back to health, if he was allowed, and there would probably be less glaring and death threats than when he heals Mobei-Jun, but! He... he wants Casper to be okay. "I'm less fragile than I look?" He's honestly pretty good at getting thrown across rooms and into trees and stuff and not suffering worse than a nice dramatic coughing up blood. It's an important skill, in his position!
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... Ah. He's... well. Like he said, he's used to being in the line of fire. "I... am, too? I mean... I don't look like it, but I think I can lift like... close to half a ton. I've never checked like... scientifically, but." He once tried to lift all the weights in the little gym he was using in the base but he ran out of weights. "A - and I can heal myself. Other than... that one injury..." He glances away, ducking his head. He... he shouldn't have said anything.
It's not like he thinks lesser of other people with artificial limbs! Just... himself.
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Casper looks incredibly uncomfortable about whatever it is he can't heal, and if Shang Qinghua was smart or tactful, he wouldn't say anything about it and would change the subject and it would be very smooth, but unfortunately his mouth runs ahead of his brain and what comes out is "The one that killed you? Fuck, I mean, that was rude, I'm sorry, ignore me. Shit. Pretend I didn't say that."
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"Yeah." He stops and pulls his hand away for a moment, pulling up his pant leg to reveal an ivory-colored material underneath it inscribed with what are clearly some kind of magical runes. "... Everything from the knee down is... uh. Gone." He's not going to pull his jeans up that far. He's... really shy about showing that part. "So no more shorts for me."
The fabric gets released and he shakes his leg to get the material to go down again.
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"I guess it's a pretty good prosthetic? You move just fine. I'm, um, glad you got, something to replace it?" Fuck. How does he not fuck this up further. "It's... sort of pretty?" That's probably weird. Augh. "You could still wear shorts if you wanted and anyone who judged you for coming back from the actual dead could fuck off?" That's probably not a helpful sentiment. "Um. Sorry, I... fuck. I'm sorry I asked that, I shouldn't... I need a better brain to mouth filter. Sorry."
cw: EXTREME self-loathing and (past) emotional abuse (it's bad enough to warn for it)
Fuck. His body language turns immediately and obviously defensive - shoulders hunching up, chin tucking down, arms hanging in front of him. "Sorry. I'm messing everything up. I'm sorry."
Because it's his fault. He's always the one who gets blamed so clearly it's all his fault, right? If anyone else is uncomfortable in a situation he's in it's obviously something he did. He looks away, his breath held as he waits for either the other to walk away or for him to get yelled at or hit or something. Some sort of nasty comment, at least - probably about how he shouldn't have come back if he's going to act like this.
So he holds his breath and he waits for it. Because it always comes. Always. It's been his whole life. How could he expect anything to go well for him? He's a freak and a loser and he's just shown his hand - or leg, as the case may be - and Shang Qinghua is going to laugh at him or, at best, just walk away.
He ignores the pit of dread in his stomach - he's used to that feeling. The feeling of being judged and hated simply for existing, for trying his best and failing and just... it's fine. It's fine. It's his fault for having hope anyway.
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Shang Qinghua runs out of words for a moment, looks at Casper hunching on himself as if waiting for a blow, and makes the split second decision to lurch forward and fasten his arms around him. It's hard and awkward and desperate and a much worse hug than the one Casper gave him, but it hopefully conveys some of what his stupid mouth isn't.
"Please don't leave because I can't stop putting my foot in my mouth. Or because you-- I'm not going to think less of you for-- you're here. You survived. And I'm-- really glad. I'm really glad I met you."
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Everyone not on the ship, at least.
"I'm just used to getting kicked when I'm down. Sometimes literally. Like I was never popular in school because I always smelled weird from the embalming fluid and flowers we had around and I would rather read than like... do homework or I was always staring off into space when I was actually looking at ghosts or... a lot of different things..."
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“I can’t imagine hating you, at this point… I mean, I understand the feeling! No one else would put up with me this long without—like, Cucumber-bro would have hit me with his fan and insulted me about something by now, and my king would have told me to shut up and if I didn’t maybe have knocked me into a wall, which is like, it’s fine, I know I’m very annoying! But you just keep putting up with it! And you’re—so nice and… I didn’t know like, it was… possible? For someone to be this nice to me? And not like… mostly I get contempt because I’m a pathetic cowardly rat, and it’s fine, like I’m used to it, and it’s not like I want to stand between Liu-shidi and a monster, but… you haven’t… you talk like you want to stand between me and danger but not like it’s a bad thing and… and I think you smell nice and nobody should hurt you and both daydreaming and looking at ghosts are reasonable activities and… I don’t know what my point is I’m just saying things please tell me to shut up.”
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Anyway! Not the point. "You don't seem like a coward to me. And even if you were, flight is a totally valid part of 'fight or flight'. It's my first instinct too, to be honest. There's nothing wrong with wanting to survive." As for wanting to stand between him and danger...
"... I want to protect people, though. If I have these powers I want to use them for good. To stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves. I don't mind getting hurt since I can heal. Maybe that's bad because I'm just... used to being hurt... but I never claimed to be like... good at healthy coping strategies or something?"
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“I really am a coward.” He… if Casper is going to think less of him, he wants to get it over with. “Mostly I pretend to faint to avoid combat, or cry and hug thighs and beg for mercy. I’m not… dignified or brave or anything. There’s a reason none of my martial siblings respect me.” He’s so aware of how easy it is to die.
“I don’t… even if you can heal, I don’t want you to get hurt for me. You… I’m not worth much, and I don’t want you to be hurt at all. I’m not—I’m a cultivator, I could try to stand up for myself, I just don’t. Sometimes scary people ignore you if you don’t look like a threat? And I… I’m stuck being Shang Qinghua anyway, and he’s a cowardly traitor spy, so it’s not like it would even be in character for me to decide I should try and rival the War God.”
He bites his lip and looks down, waiting for Casper to judge him properly.
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It's not like him. There's probably people in the other man's home that miss him. Not like him. He's not going to be missed. "You - I'm not worth much to people who are... good people." He's not sure what to do. He doesn't want the other to think of him as worth anything. He's not. He's just... not.
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